So I sit down with my computer, my coffee, some snacks, my school books, a pretty and inspiring notebooks and some colourful pens. I take a deep breath, know that for the next three days I will be in home-exam hell and open my assignment. It looks nice and do-able, I’ll definitely pass this. I look over my notes, and find the appropriate textbook chapters and start reading, drawing up my thoughts on a piece of papers. Half and hour later I take a little break, do some recreational reading, and then go back to work. Except now I cannot understand the subject matter any longer. Suddenly I am John Snow, I know NOTHING!! I do some breathing exercises, open Reddit, maybe some light browsing will help. Nope. I watch a YouTube video. Nothing yet. I spend 4 hours in hole of YouTube, Reddit and online newspapers, I have written 100 words. It’s late, I go to bed. The next day I watch some TV, and then I write another 500 words in between YouTube, reading and surfing. I know all I have written is utter garbage, I hate my self, I am gonna fail and never get employment, Boyfriend is gonna leave me, and I will end up homeless. Deep breath. Another 10 words. Good. All I need is to pass. I watch an episode of Orphan Black. It will be fine. Read two pages write 10 more words. 620. 10% done. Yaaaass. I’ve got this. It’s getting to be dinner time, I eat something. I get back and I am John Snow again, the text book has lost all meaning, now not only to I know nothing, I understand NOTHING, I am John freakin’ RAIN! Godammit! Deep breath. It’s late. I will finish it tomorrow. The next morning I wake up. I have 28 hours left when I get up. I cannot do this. I will fail. I read something nice to cheer myself up. Play some cell phones games. I can do this. 26 more hours, nothing makes sense. Write some bullshit. An E is good enough. More bull shit. I feel sick to my stomach. Everything I’ve written is crap. Make cross off lists, nice doable tasks, with break times and rewards for every milestone. Two hours and fifteen YouTube videos later I feel ready to throw up, I bullshit some more. Nearly halfway. It is impossible to make sense of what I have written. I will be homeless. Drink more coffee. 75%. Write the literature list. I hate myself, I wanna throw up. 80%. My hands are shaking from too much caffeine. It’s 10PM, 12 more hours. 95%. Proof read. Throw out a lot. 75%. 12 PM. 80%. 1 AM. I eat a bag of chips and drink cold coffee. Make more coffee. 90%. 3 AM. 5 hours past my normal bedtime. I am a self-loathing heap of snot, tears and nausea. Never give John Rain. It makes no sense, it’s garbage, you will fail and they will throw you of the school. 5 AM. 5 hours to go. I deliver the exam. I hate it and myself. Everything is awful. The next three weeks are spent wavering between thinking I failed and hating myself, thinking I failed and knowing I will do better when I retake it, and thinking I passed. After three weeks I get my grade. I got a C.
It’s that time of the year folks. When I have constant exam anxiety and post blocks of semi-sensical text. Here’s an old, crappy, unedited, ramby bookblog XP
I need to getting better at making thoseXP